It sparked off out of the blue with much firmness, and with an aura that oozed sexy nonchalance right from the beginning. It was an intellectual encounter to say the least. It was definitely fresh blood.

Very inclined towards everything Spanish, it was a shared interest that occasionally became a topic of the frequent conversations. The mix of heritage created an equation of an impressive-looking being, with an impressive collection of experiences and an interesting history.

What was more interesting, though, was that I was made to be the one at the receiving end. In many aspects so far, since things moved pretty fast within a few days. The best part? It didn't sound or look like it will be ending anytime soon. The one-year presence over here could probably be one of the reasons why.

Then again, I could be wrong. I could have spoken much too soon right now. Being expectant obviously turns out to be disappointing judging from past experiences. But each get-together would always be spontaneous and again, each parting will end with that charming nonchalance.

It sometimes feel like I'm treading on deceivingly calm waters with hidden dangers.

It's a weakness of mine that has always been, and will always be one.

I'm still wide awake with thoughts of places to go. Thinking of what to do, where, when and with whom. I just can't keep still! I'm considering of sooo many places to go to fill up my months for the rest of the year. :D

I have a feeling this is soon going to become a bad habit of mine. Maybe it already is! *sighs* Where, where, where should I go next..

I'm inevitably messing up my own head stressing over financial matters and time constraints. Oh, let's not forget the flights. STRR-ESSS-FULL.

But what can be done if my mind refuses to rest, and instead it keeps on pondering of the many many travelling opportunities..?

See, all I need is a monthly escapade. Enough to maintain my sanity.

Really.

It felt like my head made a 360-degree turn clockwise and back. Felt like my heart leapt to the clouds then fell down to the concrete ground.

I woke up this afternoon and realized I received a message from him. Exactly two weeks since our departure. I never expected that he would but he did. It was really sweet, what was said. He's still so dearly missed that's for sure.

Oh but then again, don't we all miss one another.. Yes? No, I don't want any added confusion so.. Yes. For real. I think? Oh hell. This annoys the crap outta me.

To make matters umm.. a little bit harder, Mr birthday boy had to call me up minutes after midnight and we had a very interesting conversation.

Am I right? Or were you really seriously too high on something? It's so hard to understand you sometimes. Whatever was said left me speechless for awhile after we hung up. I don't know what you want or don't want anymore babe. Get a grip on yourself!

I wonder what's next..

Geez. I'm a goner.

I'm hooked on this Japanese track for now.

Well, see.. I have a confession to make.

I am still hung up. Pretty badly.

It's horrible having to feel joy and sadness at the same time. It's contradicting but it's true. It's both Yes and No. It's a struggle to think straight when you know your feelings tells you otherwise.

I never asked for this. Nine weeks passed and I thought that's it. It already crossed the two-month mark. That should have been enough time getting over an unwanted loss that fell on me like an enormous rock. A loss completely unexplained to me.

Moved on, I did. I forced myself into the many distractions I could find and I guess I sorta 'escaped' to other countries just so I won't think about issues that were still unanswered. It was fruitful and I felt they helped. In fact, I kept pushing further to get out into the unknown.

But in some way or another, certain thoughts would come to mind. Despite feeling so happy being among others in a different world. Sometimes, a tiny voice from the back of my head will ask, 'What if he was here with me? What could we have done?'

I mentioned before, even meeting the countless other dudes from different places would trigger something about him. Not like I let it happen on purpose, it just has its own weird way of working its effect on me.

To help me overcome it all, I even assumed and came to a final conclusion that he probably hated me and had totally washed me out of his system. Apparently not..

So this is where it has brought me to. A state of confusion, hurt, and feeling lost.

I'm receiving double dosage of whatever he might be thinking or feeling now. There isn't gonna be a clear answer, I think. I know I'll be having a hard time fighting this and trying to be sensible.

It's not helping that his 25th is approaching within hours. In our history together, we have always been abroad during that time of the year. *sighs*

Goodness.. This is depressing. Is there such a thing as suicidal depression? I'd love to have that anytime now. This is way too tortuous than I thought it would be. Hell, this is beyond screwed up.

I don't know what to do anymore. At this time, I think I'm only doing one good job - and that's making my eyes turn red while running like tap water..

Why babe.. Why... Why??

Whatever it was that happened will remain within that good twelve hours.

It's enough to mess me up again, enough to question the credibility of the flame that was supposed to have already died out.

It hurts like no other. Not because it sucked. But because it was so.. Us. So nice. The good times. Recollecting memories of the past. I guess that sucked in its own way too yea?

I can't believe I let such a thing happen to me.. What was wrrrooong with me??

Blame it on the sickening heart. It will always have a soft spot for him. Seems my mind left a small space for certain thoughts of him too. Come to think of it, I zoned out to thinking of such on random occasions during my travel escapades..

This is uber messed up. Shit. Double triple shit.


Don't let yourself fall in the wrong places again..
It's enough to hurt one heart, don't end up hurting yours as well.

I woke up to Chris Brown's 'Forever' playing in my head, with a sudden reminiscent of that night's events.

Funny how I woke up to the song today without it being played anywhere, only to realize that I FINALLY have it downloaded on my computer the moment I got up to check on it seconds later. Why.. Why do this to me..

Almost exactly two weeks ago after the clock struck twelve on a Friday night, me and my girl were amidst an underground party with a huge bunch of people. It was literally underground, down in the basement. We were on the streets alcohol-shopping with them an hour or two before that.

It was after a rather gruelling walk in the day stretching into the night that met with a disappointment. Just because the two of us couldn't have the seafood we wanted for dinner. But it was all made up for during our wonderful lunch the next day.

Anyway, that particular song was a frequent sound everytime we stepped into the lounge area, it started to become like a commodity. But it being a nice song.. I can't complain, can I? And now memories of my stay there come flashing back each time the song plays like how I predicted it would be.

I remember how we were singing and dancing to it with our heads in the skies, especially on our last night. All in the company of, who else. *grins* I'm missing them all like crazy! Haha. I wish I could have them gathered up for one huge ass reunion, outing, dinner, party, whatever.

I hope to meet up with them again on separate occasions though. Opportunities to leave my footsteps on more places on Earth. :D

Right now as I'm posting this up, 'Forever' has been on repeat mode not surprisingly. The lyrics suited the whole atmosphere and even till now, memories are still very fresh in my mind and my heart warms up each time I think about it. :)

To all, I miss you so much..

I caught it two years back, and I went for it again this year. One big difference was that it comprised of the best ones in the whole of Asia this time around. Even the whole setup, sounds and atmosphere were way more cooler. It kinda gave out a vibe of the real thing where the International one will be at.

Now, that one's gonna be of gigantic proportions and it's gonna take some planning to get my ass there. Which is what I've started doing ever since the one in Asia ended. One word. Awesomeness.

I was impressed by almost all and definitely blown away by the top-notch ones. They were amazing. I'm super glad to announce that my favourite clinched the top spot after all. I was silently rooting for their win and I had a hidden sense of pride and admiration for them.

But those who made it through to the finals deserved every bit of the victory, no doubt. Just by watching them in pure amazement, it hit me that I cannot miss the big one.

I don't quite care if it takes me having to leave solo. It's not like I haven't got used to it, though I really don't mind some company. But that part is a bit tricky so.. I'll see how. :)

Missing times when I was away hanging out and having conversations with certain people pushed me even more to think and plan for it through and through. Oh well. I still got about two months and who knows what may happen within that time period.

What with other more 'confirmed' trips, so to speak, coming up before that date itself.. Oh yea it'll be tough! But exciting nonetheless. I can't wait for another one to materialize.

So for now, I'll be busy keeping myself updated. Laters!

A sudden random thought crossed our minds.

'One more babe? Can we? Should we?'

..followed by a series of sighs, shrugs, soft grunts, haiyas, repetitive 'should we?'s bouncing between the two of us that weren't helpful in helping us make up our minds..

'Ok ok.. Let's decide asap and I'll make the necessary arrangements?'

Turned out, it was the best decision that we made during the trip. Ironically though, because we had about two hours before we had to leave our 'home'.

So calls were made, money was forked out and voila! We had another twenty four hours to immerse ourselves in the joyous fun, twenty fours hours before we had to return to reality.

But the shopping and our conversation during the long aimless walk the next day were fun-filled. Very insightful too as we shared certain secrets that cannot be brought to erm.. Our country of birth? Na-ah. We chose to call this other place home, and maybe others that are upcoming too.

This just shows how so in denial and delusional we are. Ridiculous but not impossible! *grins*

So anyhow, we still had a party going on for us till the very last minute. But about an hour prior to our departure, I had an experience that will remain in my head for quite some time.

In fact, that makes the two of us. It's something that will possibly make me feel hung up over the times spent together with them. Or any encounter for that matter.

Truth be told, it all ended with a bang. A bang of fireworks and also in the form of a shot through our hearts.


I wait underneath the covers
All night beside you
And who could ever question any crying I do
My heavy heart is beating out a rhythm
All night inside me
And I fall a little harder everytime that I do

Watch me living it up, ya totally
Got me stuck in a rut, ya made for me
How am I gonna step up, and say to you
I get the feeling boy I want you, want you

Now conversation is tough because you're totally
Walking round all the stuff you wanna say to me
Words are never enough
Oh baby baby you turn my dust to gold

I can't speak French
So I'll let the funky music do the talking talking now
I can't speak French
So I'll let the funky music do the talking

I gotta let you know
I wanna give in to my temptation
And let my feelings show
I gotta let you know

-Can't Speak French by Girls Aloud


Words taken right outta our mouths, minds and hearts.

Why do we have to return babe? Why...


'Mon cheri..'

Bisous, monsieur..

Thirty hours to reach the final destination. Non-stop hassle all the way through. Hilarious situations that made us smile, laugh, then threw us into a state of a lethargy. That, followed by a hint of angst at the incredulous bumping-off from flight to flight.

A series of adventures even before the real one starts? You betcha.

So then we finally got to the point where we could start off the trip proper. The walks seemed to look like they would never end. Shopping was considered taking breaks in between and sceneries captured through the camera were breath-taking.

Feasts weren't the highlight of the trip but lunching at Oyster Bar & Restaurant took the cake. Seafood galore! Food aside, the people were an interesting bunch too. I finally got to get close to what I'd call 'black power'. *grins*

On a slightly negative note, an fortunate incident left not just us but several others unhappy.. Let's just say things went missing from the different rooms?

But no hesitation in replacing our items as we headed out to go re-shopping again for those items again. In fact, it was one of our most fun walk with the nonsensical bantering and eating and attracting the 'unwanted' attention as usual.. Nyeh!

Back at where we stayed, the people we chanced upon over there were awesome. The series of interactions started as soon as we left our room after checking in. Mind you, it was in the wee hours of the morning and we were *supposed to be jet-lagged. Then again, it's us! So.. Anything goes baby! Haha..

And at the basement, every night seemed like a party! So many people coming from different countries, it was fantastic enough sitting down and having conversation after conversation with different persons.

We chatted about our origins, our purpose of the visit, our plans coming up next, and I came to realize that it's such a small world after all. Plus, it was one hell of an interesting multi-language class at the same time. I like!

Music that boomed out of the radio system was fab too as many of us shared the same liking - Hip Hop. Got a few who could dance, dance-d, taught dance.. I have to admit, I had a feast of a conversation with just a few of them individually. Swooning was obviously inevitable.. I just can't help it! :D

And something that happened had me thinking and feeling in a certain kind of way.. Something not ought to be talked about even in this virtual space. Hee.

Speaking of which, I know for sure I'll leave with a heavy heart and it'd be no surprise if I end up sheding a few tears on the way back home. Right now as I type, I've only about six hours left. It sure is starting to feel depressing. *sighs*

Annnnywaay.. It was overall a taster for me to return and probably when that time comes, it will definitely be much longer. Then again, I've came to realize that no matter how much longer it will be and how many adventures and misadventures we get ourselves into, it's never too long and it's never enough.

So to the next one, the one after that, and wherever it will be, will be!

I'm a happy camper.

Give me about twenty four more hours and I'll leave on a jet plane. *grins*

So much anticipation in silence, I think I will only start to feel the excitement coming to reality when I finally land. This ain't a stress-free trip at all so I hope it'd be all worth it.

Too soon to say much for now so, till then.

Six weeks have passed by and I'm left in wonder, still.

What was the real reason behind it?
What exacly did I do that pushed you completely off the edge?
Was there already another person?
Or did you suddenly lose everything for what we stood for..

Looking at pictures of the past, it made me miss us much.

Certain random words, gestures, songs, photographs in the everyday life lately, made me stop once in a while to reminisce. But reality checks. Moving on has been in the agenda after all these while. I hardened myself, gave myself so many distractions just so I could deal with issues a lot better. Plans became so abundant out of the blue.

And despite all that, remembering him was something I couldn't avoid. Each time, it gripped me like how his hand would grip mine. Even dudes remind me of him.. Goodness.

Sometimes I wonder.. Have I been denial so far?


If only I could turn back time.

I'm missing it, I'm missing it, I'm missing him! Damn.

I really don't like going through this phase of thoughts and emotions. I mean I know I'd get over it somehow? But judging from all that happened right from night one, the constant communication that followed, till the time I spent in hiatus.. Day in day out, night in night out it was superb in its own way.

He even serenaded me with Justin Timberlake's (Another Song) All Over Again..

I miss you, you moron!

A possibility that year end might materialize with their arrival. In any case, I'm just gonna keep on hoping and pray damn hard that it will happen. Because from whatever a chum told me, it sounds pretty darn good to me!


I don't quite wanna fall into the hole again, like how I did years ago. It was all in the name of getting over an end of something I had always wanted and thought far of. It could be happening again this time around, who really knows. Who can control it even if it happens anyway?

As far as I'm concerned, I just can't be bothered with this place and the people on this side of the globe. Well, maybe just those on this miserable island. With a few exceptions of course. Ah what the hell.

Let me go back to my fantasy land, semi close to reality. :)

About a week ago, I had been anticipating the much awaited escapade. It was a trip to the unknown and my sudden desire to travel there came so spontaneously, I surprised myself.

My last minute plans actually materialized and it brought luxury to my senses. Honestly, it was very necessary after all that happened. The only downside I could think of before the time came was that I had to wait for a week. But it was more than worth it.

I had one of the best times of my life. No doubt I was on my own, I had some very good company that was heartening. I completely blended in it really felt like I was leading a typical lifestyle of those who lived there. There were no obligations and I felt super free even though I was following my host around.

I got acquainted with a bunch of them and it was more than just an exchange of a few words. That itself was an initial barrier on its own but heck, we all had fun nonetheless. The food, drinks, different conversations, jokes, laughter.. They were fab!

The endless walks on the streets till wee hours of the morning had us stopped at what seemed like underneath the bridge of ECP but only better. That was where we chilled till much later before heading back. I really wouldn't have minded living in the penthouse around the area where we were at by the bay. The view from up there gotta be beautiful.

Oh yea and the food.. Awesome! Given the fact that we only managed to fall asleep when the sun rose, breakfast and lunch were foregone except for a bit of junk food. Haha.

Dinnertimes were my favourite. The bills were picked up by my host and it was totally uncalled for. Nonetheless, I indulged in the feasts we had and that was when I started to fall in love with the food over there. Spicy!

Caught a movie followed by a particular show during my stay and truth be told, it was fantastic. I was glad I caught it there instead of back home. It opened up my eyes to the entertainment scenes and the difference in lives of performers in different parts of the globe.

Speaking of which, my host was fantastic. In more ways than one. And just the distraction that I needed. Much adored, much missed. *hugs*

In fact, I miss them all and the moments shared, which were silly more often than not. I reckon it would have been better if I had met up with some others. For all you know, I really would have extended my stay.

Nonetheless, I'm missing it all so much I can't go without a day not thinking about it.

I'm looking forward to the next meeting, wherever that will be.

*smiles*

Neither of us could make sense of what actually happened. I just found myself telling the person who asks, 'Are you two..?', to ask the other, and vice versa. It doesn't really get anyone anywhere. I'm pretty sure some form of angst is raised when such happens.

The feelings that were supposed to be present seemed to have diluted.. At least on his side? It's not the worst that I've seen of him but what happens after that is by far the worst. He just loves to keep me hanging on nothing, with me given no head or tail as to what the deal would be. MIscommunication throughout.. Just fab.

Getting over all of it is probably one of the hardest things to do right now. I don't know if I really wanna. But.

After the storm, the sun will emerge again.
And when a door is closed shut, another one opens.
So when life throws you lemons.. Bring in the tequila!

I'm going international.. ;)

Fuck off you say, so fuck off I will.

Emotionless for the past few days, what a great relief. Given up completely on that.. person, I probably have already. No difference in my presence or absence pretty much means I no longer have a role to play in that person's life anymore. Oh well. Considering it over is probably just as good.

Let's see. Upcoming plans are looking good and I figured that's what I need. The transition time might as well be taken full advantage of. No point brooding over issues or someone who doesn't know where he himself stands. It's like being handcuffed to a blind person walking on a tightrope a hundred feet off the ground.

That bad huh? Nah. Just sad.

Whatever that has been said and done, defeats the purpose, and destroys the meaning of 'cherish'. Because it clearly doesn't look or feels like it. Furthermore, what is the point of holding on to uncertainty? Especially when it's such a common occurence, right from the very beginning till this point of time.

It's almost like a game of waiting that I've indulged in all these while. Waiting for the person to get over someone (an annoying case of the ex), waiting for stability (really wonder if I'll ever get married to this person at this rate..), waiting for money, waiting for some questions to be answered (is it really so hard to tell someone why you love the person? *shrugs*), and waiting for god-knows-what-else.

So.. Yea. *sighs*

I'm tired of waiting.

Move on, we shall.

And don't worry. He won't die or suffer without me.

In fact, I think he'll do just great. :)

It gets too darn hard whenever I think about it, whenever I think about giving it all up for nothing. I know deep inside that my attachment to him doesn't recognize the meaning of 'it is over', and it inevitably tells me over and over again, 'don't give up'.

But all these are just voices that sway me from the harsh reality.. Are they not? Or just a weak me following the blind only to trip now and again?

It's hard. It's too darn hard. I'm sick of doing it, sick of trying to let go. Now a question will forever linger in my mind. 'Will all the sacrifices, good and bad times be worth the wait for me?'

Do I deserve do go through these just to get to that point of happily ever after?

Can YOU make it happen?

W1 would have to leave anytime now. That could probably mean that W1 might just be gone forever. If, by god's grace, W1 were to return in one piece and still living up to the name, W1 doesn't really have much to look forward to.. Unless I do something, which is probably for my own good as well.

..Is it really? For my own good, that is? I still feel lost at times in spite of all the fun and love. I feel very 'blind', especially when I start to think about reality. I made that dreaded move less than a month ago and it felt super damaging. But could it be all about dealing with a loss?

Will I be fine the next time I pull it off again, with this time being for good? Who knows, really.

He has started to live the life of a swinging bachelor without any committments. The lifestyle he leads not only takes 'time' away from him, but it also involves chance meetings with people of the opposite sex. Not like I'm not used to it, but I guess there's a limit to everything. There's that thing called enough is enough. And I don't think I can keep up with a thought telling me that some girl is hovering around him. I can no longer accept that.

After all this time, I can tell he's not someone who looks forward to ten years ahead and prepares for it. He does things at his own whim and fancy, taking his own time. In fact, too much time. I believe marriage won't be in the plans for him for a long time. I don't know what I'm waiting for anymore.

I can't hold on any longer.

My heart hurts so bad, I can literally feel it aching in my chest.

I thought the hurt and unhappiness I felt when I still had him was bad enough. And I knew it was never gonna be easy IF ever we were to be apart for good. Little did I know, the insurmountable pain that pierced through me after all was said and done was too excruciating.

I made him give up on me completely. I pushed him way too far beyond his limits. I got what I wished for. But what I didn't know, was that I also wished for me to become an impossible wreck. I have lost myself..

I just lost the man in my life.

Looking at our pictures and reading his messages to me all over again made me ache for him even more. It seems like either way, I have it bad. Being with him, or not. The only difference is that losing him is the worst thing to ever happen in my entire life.

But there's no turning back. Because I know once it's done, it is done. I have only myself to blame. There's no making him turn back once he walks away. The only regrets I have are for my own to keep. No amount of apologies can help me save anything.

I love you. I missed you. But I made you say 'yes'. Nothing counts anymore. I'm sorry.

I hope you will be happy with the girl in the white bridal dress with the long wavy hair..


A part of me has now died..

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while I'm with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you


Baby I don't know why ya treatin me so bad
You said you love me, no one above me
And I was all you had
And though my heart is beating for ya
I can't stop crying
I don't know how
I allow you to treat me this way and still I stay

Baby I don't know why ya wanna do me wrong
See when I'm home, I'm all alone
And you are always gone
And boy, you know I really love you
I can't deny
I can't see how you bring me to so many tears after all these years


I trusted you, I trusted you
So sad, so sad
What love will make you do
All the things that we accept
Be the things that we regret
To all of my ladies feel me
C'mon sing wit me


See, when I get the strength to leave
You always tell me that you need me
And I'm weak cause I believe you
And I'm mad because I love you

So I stop and think that maybe
You can learn to appreciate me
Then it all remains the same that
You ain't never gonna change


Baby why you hurt me leave me and desert me
Boy I gave you all my heart
And all you do is tear it up
Looking out my window
Knowing that I should go
Even when I pack my bags
This something always hold me back


Why..

I could say I'm the biggest bitch right now, but I beg to differ. You wanna try and make things right? Yea, you do it. But you end up screwing things up again within days, hours, or just minutes after a kiss and a hug. And if the situation's convenient, maybe even after sex.

You just do not UNDERSTAND the situation. You don't REALIZE what is happening to this relationship, which is like a piece of thrash lying around in the streets. You don't KNOW how fragile the situation is now.

We are going in this circle where SHIT HAPPENS, we TALK IT OUT, and then suddenly all's FINE AND DANDY. And we go around, around, and round round about it continuously.

Occasional arguments are healthy for a relationship, but it KILLS the relationship when it happens so very often. Like what has happened to you and me.

You know what I feel? I feel that you have been taking me for granted all this while since the first time we started. You had a freaking girlfriend whom you cheated on with me, then broke off with her because of me. But was it all that there is to it? NO.

You made me suffer for almost a year. And that's because you told her you STILL loved her while being with me. Then again, whenever I became close friends with other guys, you had the cheek to feel angry and BLOW your top.

I took in so much because of you. I even went against my own principles and had an abortion. You have no clue how I feel, even till today. You have no idea how deep the permanent scar is. I felt like a net to catch your fall. I felt USED.

So a year came and a chapter of the story ended.

You were like a leopard that never loses its spots. I knew you had girls here and there, old an new. Which I found strange when all you did was stick around with me.

Why you ask? Screw the love. It's just a mere fact that you know you can depend on me. Face it. As much as you try to deal with things and problems on your own, you just don't know when to, and when not to.

Me, this silly girl, has ALWAYS been there for you. It's no wonder I've been taken for granted. I was a silly bitch in love.

We fought, we quarelled, we argued. Then came the talk of having more space then ever before. Sure. Your wish was granted. Guess what was the outcome. We drifted further and further apart. We no longer knew what each other was up to and we no longer bothered. Even though we THINK we cared.

Actions truly speak louder than words.

With that said, I don't know which other girls and how many more you have in hand at the moment. I wouldn't know anyway. We gave each other space remember? We could do WHATEVER the hell we wanted to. You could have slept with someone else without me knowing, or vice versa.

My 23rd birthday. I expected a little more than just a call at midnight wishing me 'Happy Birthday', but that was where it stopped. Oh wait, there was the sex. And that was it. Thanks a lot.

Months flew by like days and you didn't even know this has been happening for almost half a year already. I can't remember the last time we went out to do things and spend QUALITY time together. I can count the number of times we even SEE each other's faces in a month, with less than one hand.

We slipped, rolled, bounced and simply free-fall down the hill. There hasn't been an occasion so far, in a long long time, where I could actually see hope in this relationship. All I see is SADNESS and DISAPPOINTMENT.

I'm not surprised I turned angsty and very rude towards you. Simply because I don't think you deserve me treating you nicely, when all I've been getting is CRAP from you.

All you ever do now is have a 'happening' lifestyle in clubs and getting PISSED DRUNK night after night, while being jobless. With no decency to let me know of what happened the night before. Like I said, it wouldn't be a surprise if you ended up in bed with some other girl.

So really, I'm truly amazed at your capabilities.

And when money issues come into play, we all know it's never a happy topic. That just worsens the situation and unhappiness sets in again.

I don't need you or anybody else to tell me you're SORRY or that you're REGRETTING for all that caused us to reach this point. There's no use for all that now. There just isn't enough decency towards me anymore.

You don't THINK or CARE about how I may feel regarding so many things now. Because if you don't wanna tire yourself and think too much, then just drop everything. I'm SICK of waiting and trying to be PATIENT with you and TOLERATE your nonsense.

And you wanna take this to the next level, which is marriage? You can't even keep a relationship at peace. The common factor in all your failed relationships, is you. I feel very insecure at this stage because only god knows what may, or may not happen. The things you do.. Sometimes I wonder if you're the one who's making me hate you.

Do you see the whole picture now?

It doesn't take another guy to make me leave you. I only WISH I could fall in love with someone else as soon as I split from you. It's gonna feel utterly hurtful and I know I'm gonna take forever to get over you. But reality checks. Our current situation ain't much better and I'm not proud of it.

Like they say, it's better to be left alone to deal, than to suffer in a relationship that is going nowhere except downhill. You said you wanted to FIGHT for me regardless of what happens? At the rate you're going, you are simply pushing me further from you, and doing things to make me HATE you.

Right now, the ball is back in your hands. Do what you want with it. You have two options. You can either take EXTRA care of it and get it back to be where and how it used to be.

Or, you can easily drop it and let it roll away from you. That will be the green light for me to completely move on and never look back. And trust me, I know when to do that when it comes.

Don't think that by keeping silent, you are trying to calm things down. With me, it doesn't work that way. So respond. SPEAK your mind.

I want to look forward to a good life with a good man. I can't afford to waste my time on something or someone who seems forever lost in direction, and just wasting away.

But if you think you CANNOT provide me with something so simple and decent, STOP all that you are doing and let me know straight. I deserve so much better than just this.

I can't believe I missed out on The Contender all this while. So re-runs gotta do it for me now.

Anyway, I was watching Madonna's timeline on MTV from her heydays back then till now. One of my fave songs would have to be from the 90's, Power of Goodbye. The lyrics speak for itself.


Your heart is not open
So I must go
The spell has been broken
I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson
I had to learn
I was your fortress
You had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do you wanna go higher

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power than the power of goodbye

Your heart is not open
So I must go
The spell has been broken
I loved you so
You were my lesson
I had to learn
I was your fortress

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power than the power of goodbye

Learn to say goodbye
I yearn to say goodbye

There's nothing left to try
There's no more places to hide
There's no greater power than the power of goodbye

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power than the power of goodbye


Having that power to save oneself from heartaches, or just a power that emerges after everything has been said and done. It clearly states the end of it all. Given a power after one has reached the point of becoming weak and helpless. The irony.

I have been given the goodbye one time too many from significant characters in my life of the past. Since he refuses to do so this time around, I'll put it to use one fine day.

I was smitten all over again. It got me hook, line and sinker. Talk about proper conversations. It was more than just a tap on the shoulder. And what a nice refreshing exchange. Sweet.

So much I learnt, and so much more there is to know about. I knew it would carry on from where it halted..

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

I'm feeling really unappreciated.
You takin' my love for granted, babe.
And I don't know how much more,
I can take from you.
You don't do the things you use to do.
You don't even say I love you too.
And lately I've been feeling,
Feeling unappreciated.

[Verse 1:]

Woke up this morning and saw your face
And you didn't look the same as yesterday.
I got the feeling that you can't seem to see,
Where you want to be.
And lately it ain't been the same at all.
When you're here its like I'm invisible
I still can't seem to see where I went wrong.
Cuz I'm feeling

[Chorus:]

I'm feeling really unappreciated.
You takin' my love for granted, babe.
And I don't know how much more,
I can take from you.
You don't do the things you use to do.
You don't even say I love you too.
And lately I've been feeling,
Feeling unappreciated.

[Verse 2:]

Lately our house is not a home
You come in, take a shower then say I'm gone.
What am I to do,
When my heart says leave,
But my feet won't move?
And today is our anniversary,
And you haven't even say two words to me.
I'm trying hard to give you another chance
But ooh baby I'm feeling

[Chorus:]

I'm feeling really unappreciated.
You takin' my love for granted, babe.
And I don't know how much more,
I can take from you.
You don't do the things you use to do.
You don't even say I love you too.
And lately I've been feeling,
Feeling unappreciated.

[Verse 3:]

Boy, when I first met you,
I thought you were the most perfect man.
That I ever seen, and
I still don't understand why
You treat me like you do.
I used to give into your lies, but
Now I see the truth.
Oh no I don't want to hear it, I'm through.
Yeah I know I'll still be missing you,
But it's not worth the pain
That I've gained from you.
You make me feel
Unappreciated.

[Chorus:]

I'm feeling really unappreciated.
You takin' my love for granted, babe.
And I don't know how much more,
I can take from you.
You don't do the things you use to do.
You don't even say I love you too.
And lately I've been feeling,
Feeling unappreciated.


It's sad to know that there are some people out there who are suffering in silence because of the outcome of their relationships; unpleasant. From breakups, to engagement splits, to divorces. That feeling of emptiness makes one feel so lost, you can't really tell till they voice it out to you.

With all the unhappiness that is happening and all the doubts that are present, whatever else others are saying are like fuel that's being added to the fire. And why the nice words and efforts only when you're away and after having not seen me for weeks now?

You're defeating the purpose of trying to make things right. Who should I go to when I lose all the love, I wonder.

I don't know what else that would make me believe the truth, or what will blind me from seeing the truth. Either way, I never get the tranparency I want.

I feel too unappreciated. There are too much hidden lies. I don't know what to believe anymore.

All I feel like doing now is to simply give up.

Out of utter boredom and the cruelty of not having enough money to get out of the house to do something more useful, (plus the fact that I was plain lazy), I ended up facing the two screens in my room continuously. From watching movies to browsing and looking for unnecessary thingys online, my bum was literally stuck to the chair for practically the whole day.

It was only about less than an hour ago that I proceeded to view snapshots of the old and new. A few reads of some others' random posts were also done in between. I came to realize that there were so much that I went through. Too much said and done.

Sometimes, I wonder. What would it be like if I really were to drop everything I have now and move on? Will it really lift whatever burden I *think* I might have now? Will I find true happiness with someone else? Would I find the kind of satisfaction that I want in another?

These kinda questions can only be raised and never answered. Not unless it actually happens. And when it comes to that, only two extremes can happen; I can either be glad and super relieved of the choice to move on, or I will live in deep regret.

See, before I even reach that ultimatum, one thing I would do is to look at pictures of he and I. Reminiscing is a favourite past time. There have been so many milestones of ours that I think I've lost count somewhat.

There was that FIRST ever snapshot of us. There were the ones that were taken in Thailand on all three occasions now. Then of course there was Italy. Party pictures, countless. Random ones while we were chilling or simply fooling around. Each will trigger some part of my memory.

That's when I start to realize.

As much as I can, perhaps, love someone else, it's gonna take me forever to completely forget and get over him. Or maybe never.

As much as I hate him for making me fall into a state of shittiness that makes me feel beyond fucked up, I get over it as soon as I fall.

As much as I have so much uncertainties in life with him and having endless doubts about what he does, I cast aside all my worries and still be that woman behind him for the support he needs.

Like what this feeling told me way before when we first started to hit off, I couldn't tell if it was plain stupidity on my part. Questions I raised for my own sake were never clearly answered. But one thing that's for sure is that we have always been there for each other in all times of good and bad.

My life wouldn't be so experience-filled without him. I wouldn't have known what my limits are.

'I just hate it that I love you so much. All the screw-ups in life cannot be compared to whatever we have.

Do me a little favour and think for us; how we might end up in the future, and where I stand in your life.'

We don't even talk anymore
And we don't even know what we argue about
Don't even say I love you no more
'Cause saying how we feel is no longer allowed
Some people will work things out
And some just don't know how to change

Chorus:
Let's don't wait till the water runs dry
We might watch our whole lives pass us by
Let's don't wait till the water runs dry
We'll make the biggest mistake of our lives


You don't miss your water
But I believe so strongly in you and I
Can somebody answer me the question why
Cause you don't miss your water 'til the well runs dry yeah listen
If you ever get the feeling
You wanna play around starting cheating, remember
You don't miss your water 'til the well runs dry


Explains.

Some things can't be kept on hold for too long, can't be kept waiting to see what happens next. When already, it was apparent that all started going downhill with no sign of slowing down.

Still intending to wait? Trust my instincts to tell you that there is not a chance of restoring whatever there was, if the intention to salvage whatever that's left is not even there to begin with.

Quit denying the situation. But wait all you want. I can't promise you the decency of us anymore.

Goodness. I thought Easyjournal was gonna close down after days of its server being down. No way was I intending to have my written memories virtually gone forever. Anyway, I had a pretty bad case of PMS. Guess it's over now, about almost twenty four hours ago. Yea.. Go figure.

Some things are constantly in my mind and it's always a case of the ping pong game. Or tennis rather. Whichever. Either way, a ball gets bounced from one point to another ever so often, it makes one go dizzy yet in awe of the continuity of it.

Yes, I am the ball. Between two opponents? You bet. Maybe in my context, the game of squash probably describes it best. I deserve to get smacked to the wall over and over again.

Bottomline: I don't know what I want, who I wanna be with, or where I wanna be.

Help.. To noone in particular, just a sign of distress.

A certain shade of green.
Tell me, is that what you need?
All signs around say move ahead.
Could someone please explain to me your ever-present lack of speed?

Are you gonna stand around till 2012 A.D.?
What are you waiting for? A certain shade of green?
I think I grew a gray watching you procrastinate.

What are you waiting for? A certain shade of green?


Hey, what would it mean to you?
To know that it'll come back around again.
Hey, whatever it means to you.
Know that everything moves in circles.


The fact, that you, you think, you can speak to me the way you do.
It bleeds me to believe that you have never stepped out of the skin you live within.


I’m tired of the way that it feels.
I only apologized to you to make you feel better.
But I think I’ve outgrown that horsehair sweater.

I’d rather be alone.
You’re about as reliable as paper shoes in bad weather.
But pain will roll off like water on feather.


I don't wanna talk to you anymore, I'm afraid of what I might say.

I bite my tongue every time you come around.
'Cause blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground.

Hand over my heart I swear, I've tried everything I could within all my power.


You and I are like, oil and water.
And we've been trying to mix it up.

We've been dancing on a volcano.
And we've been crying over blackened souls.

I've been smiling with anchors on my shoulders.
And I’ve been dying to let them go.

Babe, this wouldn’t be the first time.
It will not be the last time.
We've been trying to believe everything would get better!

We've been lying to each other.
Hey! Babe! Let's just call it what it is... Oil and water!


Some people fall in love and touch the sky.
Some people fall in love and find quicksand.
I hover somewhere in between I swear.
I can't make up my mind..

I've come to that point where I think I should make the goddamn choice. I feel like I should drop everything and make it in life on my own; with noone else, no restrictions, no obligations.

This has proved to be too much for me to handle all in one stride. It has caused me to lapse into a waterfall of tears and a regular consumption of mind-distracting stuff. It's becoming bad for my health. But heck.

I love it all but I can't possibly do that. Time really is a factor in telling me loads of things, and it sure is starting to deteriorate me big time. Does it bother me though? Not really. I choose it not to let me.

Oh fuck. What's the point in rambling it all out here anyway. It doesn't make one bit of sense at all.

Screw it all.