I'm missing it, I'm missing it, I'm missing him! Damn.

I really don't like going through this phase of thoughts and emotions. I mean I know I'd get over it somehow? But judging from all that happened right from night one, the constant communication that followed, till the time I spent in hiatus.. Day in day out, night in night out it was superb in its own way.

He even serenaded me with Justin Timberlake's (Another Song) All Over Again..

I miss you, you moron!

A possibility that year end might materialize with their arrival. In any case, I'm just gonna keep on hoping and pray damn hard that it will happen. Because from whatever a chum told me, it sounds pretty darn good to me!


I don't quite wanna fall into the hole again, like how I did years ago. It was all in the name of getting over an end of something I had always wanted and thought far of. It could be happening again this time around, who really knows. Who can control it even if it happens anyway?

As far as I'm concerned, I just can't be bothered with this place and the people on this side of the globe. Well, maybe just those on this miserable island. With a few exceptions of course. Ah what the hell.

Let me go back to my fantasy land, semi close to reality. :)

About a week ago, I had been anticipating the much awaited escapade. My last minute plans actually materialized and it brought luxury to my senses. It was indeed very necessary. The only downside I could think of before the time came was that I had to wait for a week. But it was more than worth it.

I had one of the best times of my life, and it was all on my own with some very good company that was heartening. I completely blended in it really felt like I was leading a typical lifestyle of those who lived there. There were no obligations and I felt super free even though I was following my host around.

I got acquainted with a bunch of them and it was more than just an exchange of a few words. That itself was an initial barrier on its own but heck, we all had fun nonetheless. The food, drinks, different conversations.. They were great. And the jokes and laughter that followed only made it better.

Speaking of which, my host was fantastic. In more ways than one. And just the distraction that I needed. Much adored, much missed. *hugs*

In fact, I miss them all and the moments shared, which were silly more often than not. I reckon it would have been better if I had met up with some others. For all you know, I really would have extended my stay.

Nonetheless, I'm missing it all so much I can't go without a day not thinking about it.

I'm looking forward to the next meeting, wherever that will be.

*smiles*

Neither of us could make sense of what actually happened. I just found myself telling the person who asks, 'Are you two..?', to ask the other, and vice versa. It doesn't really get anyone anywhere. I'm pretty sure some form of angst is raised when such happens.

The feelings that were supposed to be present seemed to have diluted.. At least on his side? It's not the worst that I've seen of him but what happens after that is by far the worst. He just loves to keep me hanging on nothing, with me given no head or tail as to what the deal would be. MIscommunication throughout.. Just fab.

Getting over all of it is probably one of the hardest things to do right now. I don't know if I really wanna. But.

After the storm, the sun will emerge again.
And when a door is closed shut, another one opens.
So when life throws you lemons.. Bring in the tequila!

I'm going international.. ;)

Fuck off you say, so fuck off I will.

Emotionless for the past few days, what a great relief. Given up completely on that.. person, I probably have already. No difference in my presence or absence pretty much means I no longer have a role to play in that person's life anymore. Oh well. Considering it over is probably just as good.

Let's see. Upcoming plans are looking good and I figured that's what I need. The transition time might as well be taken full advantage of. No point brooding over issues or someone who doesn't know where he himself stands. It's like being handcuffed to a blind person walking on a tightrope a hundred feet off the ground.

That bad huh? Nah. Just sad.

Whatever that has been said and done, defeats the purpose, and destroys the meaning of 'cherish'. Because it clearly doesn't look or feels like it. Furthermore, what is the point of holding on to uncertainty? Especially when it's such a common occurence, right from the very beginning till this point of time.

It's almost like a game of waiting that I've indulged in all these while. Waiting for the person to get over someone (an annoying case of the ex), waiting for stability (really wonder if I'll ever get married to this person at this rate..), waiting for money, waiting for some questions to be answered (is it really so hard to tell someone why you love the person? *shrugs*), and waiting for god-knows-what-else.

So.. Yea. *sighs*

I'm tired of waiting.

Move on, we shall.

And don't worry. He won't die or suffer without me.

In fact, I think he'll do just great. :)

It gets too darn hard whenever I think about it, whenever I think about giving it all up for nothing. I know deep inside that my attachment to him doesn't recognize the meaning of 'it is over', and it inevitably tells me over and over again, 'don't give up'.

But all these are just voices that sway me from the harsh reality.. Are they not? Or just a weak me following the blind only to trip now and again?

It's hard. It's too darn hard. I'm sick of doing it, sick of trying to let go. Now a question will forever linger in my mind. 'Will all the sacrifices, good and bad times be worth the wait for me?'

Do I deserve do go through these just to get to that point of happily ever after?

Can YOU make it happen?

W1 would have to leave anytime now. That could probably mean that W1 might just be gone forever. If, by god's grace, W1 were to return in one piece and still living up to the name, W1 doesn't really have much to look forward to.. Unless I do something, which is probably for my own good as well.

..Is it really? For my own good, that is? I still feel lost at times in spite of all the fun and love. I feel very 'blind', especially when I start to think about reality. I made that dreaded move less than a month ago and it felt super damaging. But could it be all about dealing with a loss?

Will I be fine the next time I pull it off again, with this time being for good? Who knows, really.

He has started to live the life of a swinging bachelor without any committments. The lifestyle he leads not only takes 'time' away from him, but it also involves chance meetings with people of the opposite sex. Not like I'm not used to it, but I guess there's a limit to everything. There's that thing called enough is enough. And I don't think I can keep up with a thought telling me that some girl is hovering around him. I can no longer accept that.

After all this time, I can tell he's not someone who looks forward to ten years ahead and prepares for it. He does things at his own whim and fancy, taking his own time. In fact, too much time. I believe marriage won't be in the plans for him for a long time. I don't know what I'm waiting for anymore.

I can't hold on any longer.

My heart hurts so bad, I can literally feel it aching in my chest.

I thought the hurt and unhappiness I felt when I still had him was bad enough. And I knew it was never gonna be easy IF ever we were to be apart for good. Little did I know, the insurmountable pain that pierced through me after all was said and done was too excruciating.

I made him give up on me completely. I pushed him way too far beyond his limits. I got what I wished for. But what I didn't know, was that I also wished for me to become an impossible wreck. I have lost myself..

I just lost the man in my life.

Looking at our pictures and reading his messages to me all over again made me ache for him even more. It seems like either way, I have it bad. Being with him, or not. The only difference is that losing him is the worst thing to ever happen in my entire life.

But there's no turning back. Because I know once it's done, it is done. I have only myself to blame. There's no making him turn back once he walks away. The only regrets I have are for my own to keep. No amount of apologies can help me save anything.

I love you. I missed you. But I made you say 'yes'. Nothing counts anymore. I'm sorry.

I hope you will be happy with the girl in the white bridal dress with the long wavy hair..


A part of me has now died..

See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while I'm with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you


Baby I don't know why ya treatin me so bad
You said you love me, no one above me
And I was all you had
And though my heart is beating for ya
I can't stop crying
I don't know how
I allow you to treat me this way and still I stay

Baby I don't know why ya wanna do me wrong
See when I'm home, I'm all alone
And you are always gone
And boy, you know I really love you
I can't deny
I can't see how you bring me to so many tears after all these years


I trusted you, I trusted you
So sad, so sad
What love will make you do
All the things that we accept
Be the things that we regret
To all of my ladies feel me
C'mon sing wit me


See, when I get the strength to leave
You always tell me that you need me
And I'm weak cause I believe you
And I'm mad because I love you

So I stop and think that maybe
You can learn to appreciate me
Then it all remains the same that
You ain't never gonna change


Baby why you hurt me leave me and desert me
Boy I gave you all my heart
And all you do is tear it up
Looking out my window
Knowing that I should go
Even when I pack my bags
This something always hold me back


Why..

I could say I'm the biggest bitch right now, but I beg to differ. You wanna try and make things right? Yea, you do it. But you end up screwing things up again within days, hours, or just minutes after a kiss and a hug. And if the situation's convenient, maybe even after sex.

You just do not UNDERSTAND the situation. You don't REALIZE what is happening to this relationship, which is like a piece of thrash lying around in the streets. You don't KNOW how fragile the situation is now.

We are going in this circle where SHIT HAPPENS, we TALK IT OUT, and then suddenly all's FINE AND DANDY. And we go around, around, and round round about it continuously.

Occasional arguments are healthy for a relationship, but it KILLS the relationship when it happens so very often. Like what has happened to you and me.

You know what I feel? I feel that you have been taking me for granted all this while since the first time we started. You had a freaking girlfriend whom you cheated on with me, then broke off with her because of me. But was it all that there is to it? NO.

You made me suffer for almost a year. And that's because you told her you STILL loved her while being with me. Then again, whenever I became close friends with other guys, you had the cheek to feel angry and BLOW your top.

I took in so much because of you. I even went against my own principles and had an abortion. You have no clue how I feel, even till today. You have no idea how deep the permanent scar is. I felt like a net to catch your fall. I felt USED.

So a year came and a chapter of the story ended.

You were like a leopard that never loses its spots. I knew you had girls here and there, old an new. Which I found strange when all you did was stick around with me.

Why you ask? Screw the love. It's just a mere fact that you know you can depend on me. Face it. As much as you try to deal with things and problems on your own, you just don't know when to, and when not to.

Me, this silly girl, has ALWAYS been there for you. It's no wonder I've been taken for granted. I was a silly bitch in love.

We fought, we quarelled, we argued. Then came the talk of having more space then ever before. Sure. Your wish was granted. Guess what was the outcome. We drifted further and further apart. We no longer knew what each other was up to and we no longer bothered. Even though we THINK we cared.

Actions truly speak louder than words.

With that said, I don't know which other girls and how many more you have in hand at the moment. I wouldn't know anyway. We gave each other space remember? We could do WHATEVER the hell we wanted to. You could have slept with someone else without me knowing, or vice versa.

My 23rd birthday. I expected a little more than just a call at midnight wishing me 'Happy Birthday', but that was where it stopped. Oh wait, there was the sex. And that was it. Thanks a lot.

Months flew by like days and you didn't even know this has been happening for almost half a year already. I can't remember the last time we went out to do things and spend QUALITY time together. I can count the number of times we even SEE each other's faces in a month, with less than one hand.

We slipped, rolled, bounced and simply free-fall down the hill. There hasn't been an occasion so far, in a long long time, where I could actually see hope in this relationship. All I see is SADNESS and DISAPPOINTMENT.

I'm not surprised I turned angsty and very rude towards you. Simply because I don't think you deserve me treating you nicely, when all I've been getting is CRAP from you.

All you ever do now is have a 'happening' lifestyle in clubs and getting PISSED DRUNK night after night, while being jobless. With no decency to let me know of what happened the night before. Like I said, it wouldn't be a surprise if you ended up in bed with some other girl.

So really, I'm truly amazed at your capabilities.

And when money issues come into play, we all know it's never a happy topic. That just worsens the situation and unhappiness sets in again.

I don't need you or anybody else to tell me you're SORRY or that you're REGRETTING for all that caused us to reach this point. There's no use for all that now. There just isn't enough decency towards me anymore.

You don't THINK or CARE about how I may feel regarding so many things now. Because if you don't wanna tire yourself and think too much, then just drop everything. I'm SICK of waiting and trying to be PATIENT with you and TOLERATE your nonsense.

And you wanna take this to the next level, which is marriage? You can't even keep a relationship at peace. The common factor in all your failed relationships, is you. I feel very insecure at this stage because only god knows what may, or may not happen. The things you do.. Sometimes I wonder if you're the one who's making me hate you.

Do you see the whole picture now?

It doesn't take another guy to make me leave you. I only WISH I could fall in love with someone else as soon as I split from you. It's gonna feel utterly hurtful and I know I'm gonna take forever to get over you. But reality checks. Our current situation ain't much better and I'm not proud of it.

Like they say, it's better to be left alone to deal, than to suffer in a relationship that is going nowhere except downhill. You said you wanted to FIGHT for me regardless of what happens? At the rate you're going, you are simply pushing me further from you, and doing things to make me HATE you.

Right now, the ball is back in your hands. Do what you want with it. You have two options. You can either take EXTRA care of it and get it back to be where and how it used to be.

Or, you can easily drop it and let it roll away from you. That will be the green light for me to completely move on and never look back. And trust me, I know when to do that when it comes.

Don't think that by keeping silent, you are trying to calm things down. With me, it doesn't work that way. So respond. SPEAK your mind.

I want to look forward to a good life with a good man. I can't afford to waste my time on something or someone who seems forever lost in direction, and just wasting away.

But if you think you CANNOT provide me with something so simple and decent, STOP all that you are doing and let me know straight. I deserve so much better than just this.

I can't believe I missed out on The Contender all this while. So re-runs gotta do it for me now.

Anyway, I was watching Madonna's timeline on MTV from her heydays back then till now. One of my fave songs would have to be from the 90's, Power of Goodbye. The lyrics speak for itself.


Your heart is not open
So I must go
The spell has been broken
I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson
I had to learn
I was your fortress
You had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do you wanna go higher

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power than the power of goodbye

Your heart is not open
So I must go
The spell has been broken
I loved you so
You were my lesson
I had to learn
I was your fortress

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power than the power of goodbye

Learn to say goodbye
I yearn to say goodbye

There's nothing left to try
There's no more places to hide
There's no greater power than the power of goodbye

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power than the power of goodbye


Having that power to save oneself from heartaches, or just a power that emerges after everything has been said and done. It clearly states the end of it all. Given a power after one has reached the point of becoming weak and helpless. The irony.

I have been given the goodbye one time too many from significant characters in my life of the past. Since he refuses to do so this time around, I'll put it to use one fine day.

I was smitten all over again. It got me hook, line and sinker. Talk about proper conversations. It was more than just a tap on the shoulder. And what a nice refreshing exchange. Sweet.

So much I learnt, and so much more there is to know about. I knew it would carry on from where it halted..

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

I'm feeling really unappreciated.
You takin' my love for granted, babe.
And I don't know how much more,
I can take from you.
You don't do the things you use to do.
You don't even say I love you too.
And lately I've been feeling,
Feeling unappreciated.

[Verse 1:]

Woke up this morning and saw your face
And you didn't look the same as yesterday.
I got the feeling that you can't seem to see,
Where you want to be.
And lately it ain't been the same at all.
When you're here its like I'm invisible
I still can't seem to see where I went wrong.
Cuz I'm feeling

[Chorus:]

I'm feeling really unappreciated.
You takin' my love for granted, babe.
And I don't know how much more,
I can take from you.
You don't do the things you use to do.
You don't even say I love you too.
And lately I've been feeling,
Feeling unappreciated.

[Verse 2:]

Lately our house is not a home
You come in, take a shower then say I'm gone.
What am I to do,
When my heart says leave,
But my feet won't move?
And today is our anniversary,
And you haven't even say two words to me.
I'm trying hard to give you another chance
But ooh baby I'm feeling

[Chorus:]

I'm feeling really unappreciated.
You takin' my love for granted, babe.
And I don't know how much more,
I can take from you.
You don't do the things you use to do.
You don't even say I love you too.
And lately I've been feeling,
Feeling unappreciated.

[Verse 3:]

Boy, when I first met you,
I thought you were the most perfect man.
That I ever seen, and
I still don't understand why
You treat me like you do.
I used to give into your lies, but
Now I see the truth.
Oh no I don't want to hear it, I'm through.
Yeah I know I'll still be missing you,
But it's not worth the pain
That I've gained from you.
You make me feel
Unappreciated.

[Chorus:]

I'm feeling really unappreciated.
You takin' my love for granted, babe.
And I don't know how much more,
I can take from you.
You don't do the things you use to do.
You don't even say I love you too.
And lately I've been feeling,
Feeling unappreciated.


It's sad to know that there are some people out there who are suffering in silence because of the outcome of their relationships; unpleasant. From breakups, to engagement splits, to divorces. That feeling of emptiness makes one feel so lost, you can't really tell till they voice it out to you.

With all the unhappiness that is happening and all the doubts that are present, whatever else others are saying are like fuel that's being added to the fire. And why the nice words and efforts only when you're away and after having not seen me for weeks now?

You're defeating the purpose of trying to make things right. Who should I go to when I lose all the love, I wonder.

I don't know what else that would make me believe the truth, or what will blind me from seeing the truth. Either way, I never get the tranparency I want.

I feel too unappreciated. There are too much hidden lies. I don't know what to believe anymore.

All I feel like doing now is to simply give up.

Out of utter boredom and the cruelty of not having enough money to get out of the house to do something more useful, (plus the fact that I was plain lazy), I ended up facing the two screens in my room continuously. From watching movies to browsing and looking for unnecessary thingys online, my bum was literally stuck to the chair for practically the whole day.

It was only about less than an hour ago that I proceeded to view snapshots of the old and new. A few reads of some others' random posts were also done in between. I came to realize that there were so much that I went through. Too much said and done.

Sometimes, I wonder. What would it be like if I really were to drop everything I have now and move on? Will it really lift whatever burden I *think* I might have now? Will I find true happiness with someone else? Would I find the kind of satisfaction that I want in another?

These kinda questions can only be raised and never answered. Not unless it actually happens. And when it comes to that, only two extremes can happen; I can either be glad and super relieved of the choice to move on, or I will live in deep regret.

See, before I even reach that ultimatum, one thing I would do is to look at pictures of he and I. Reminiscing is a favourite past time. There have been so many milestones of ours that I think I've lost count somewhat.

There was that FIRST ever snapshot of us. There were the ones that were taken in Thailand on all three occasions now. Then of course there was Italy. Party pictures, countless. Random ones while we were chilling or simply fooling around. Each will trigger some part of my memory.

That's when I start to realize.

As much as I can, perhaps, love someone else, it's gonna take me forever to completely forget and get over him. Or maybe never.

As much as I hate him for making me fall into a state of shittiness that makes me feel beyond fucked up, I get over it as soon as I fall.

As much as I have so much uncertainties in life with him and having endless doubts about what he does, I cast aside all my worries and still be that woman behind him for the support he needs.

Like what this feeling told me way before when we first started to hit off, I couldn't tell if it was plain stupidity on my part. Questions I raised for my own sake were never clearly answered. But one thing that's for sure is that we have always been there for each other in all times of good and bad.

My life wouldn't be so experience-filled without him. I wouldn't have known what my limits are.

'I just hate it that I love you so much. All the screw-ups in life cannot be compared to whatever we have.

Do me a little favour and think for us; how we might end up in the future, and where I stand in your life.'

We don't even talk anymore
And we don't even know what we argue about
Don't even say I love you no more
'Cause saying how we feel is no longer allowed
Some people will work things out
And some just don't know how to change

Chorus:
Let's don't wait till the water runs dry
We might watch our whole lives pass us by
Let's don't wait till the water runs dry
We'll make the biggest mistake of our lives


You don't miss your water
But I believe so strongly in you and I
Can somebody answer me the question why
Cause you don't miss your water 'til the well runs dry yeah listen
If you ever get the feeling
You wanna play around starting cheating, remember
You don't miss your water 'til the well runs dry


Explains.

Some things can't be kept on hold for too long, can't be kept waiting to see what happens next. When already, it was apparent that all started going downhill with no sign of slowing down.

Still intending to wait? Trust my instincts to tell you that there is not a chance of restoring whatever there was, if the intention to salvage whatever that's left is not even there to begin with.

Quit denying the situation. But wait all you want. I can't promise you the decency of us anymore.

Goodness. I thought Easyjournal was gonna close down after days of its server being down. No way was I intending to have my written memories virtually gone forever. Anyway, I had a pretty bad case of PMS. Guess it's over now, about almost twenty four hours ago. Yea.. Go figure.

Some things are constantly in my mind and it's always a case of the ping pong game. Or tennis rather. Whichever. Either way, a ball gets bounced from one point to another ever so often, it makes one go dizzy yet in awe of the continuity of it.

Yes, I am the ball. Between two opponents? You bet. Maybe in my context, the game of squash probably describes it best. I deserve to get smacked to the wall over and over again.

Bottomline: I don't know what I want, who I wanna be with, or where I wanna be.

Help.. To noone in particular, just a sign of distress.

A certain shade of green.
Tell me, is that what you need?
All signs around say move ahead.
Could someone please explain to me your ever-present lack of speed?

Are you gonna stand around till 2012 A.D.?
What are you waiting for? A certain shade of green?
I think I grew a gray watching you procrastinate.

What are you waiting for? A certain shade of green?


Hey, what would it mean to you?
To know that it'll come back around again.
Hey, whatever it means to you.
Know that everything moves in circles.


The fact, that you, you think, you can speak to me the way you do.
It bleeds me to believe that you have never stepped out of the skin you live within.


I’m tired of the way that it feels.
I only apologized to you to make you feel better.
But I think I’ve outgrown that horsehair sweater.

I’d rather be alone.
You’re about as reliable as paper shoes in bad weather.
But pain will roll off like water on feather.


I don't wanna talk to you anymore, I'm afraid of what I might say.

I bite my tongue every time you come around.
'Cause blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground.

Hand over my heart I swear, I've tried everything I could within all my power.


You and I are like, oil and water.
And we've been trying to mix it up.

We've been dancing on a volcano.
And we've been crying over blackened souls.

I've been smiling with anchors on my shoulders.
And I’ve been dying to let them go.

Babe, this wouldn’t be the first time.
It will not be the last time.
We've been trying to believe everything would get better!

We've been lying to each other.
Hey! Babe! Let's just call it what it is... Oil and water!


Some people fall in love and touch the sky.
Some people fall in love and find quicksand.
I hover somewhere in between I swear.
I can't make up my mind..

I've come to that point where I think I should make the goddamn choice. I feel like I should drop everything and make it in life on my own; with noone else, no restrictions, no obligations.

This has proved to be too much for me to handle all in one stride. It has caused me to lapse into a waterfall of tears and a regular consumption of mind-distracting stuff. It's becoming bad for my health. But heck.

I love it all but I can't possibly do that. Time really is a factor in telling me loads of things, and it sure is starting to deteriorate me big time. Does it bother me though? Not really. I choose it not to let me.

Oh fuck. What's the point in rambling it all out here anyway. It doesn't make one bit of sense at all.

Screw it all.

What I don't do sometimes, will raise questions from him.

But when I do them, they're not reciprocated, replied or responded.

So tell me.

Should I even bother?

Eight days into being 23. And so much has already happened. The first few hours had me surprised and I had a pretty pleasant time that followed. Technically, I had a birthday wish on the very minute when I was born exactly 23 years ago. The thought was much appreciated. Thank you. :)

The series of events that took place soon after was pretty mixed and I got lost in confusion myself. Another 'trip' had to be made and as usual it got me worried. During the time it happened and even before that, I tried to find myself a distraction to keep my mind off certain things, which I knew would affect me quite badly.

But in the midst of it all, I got down to work at home and did other things outside the day after. Things ended on a bad note as suspected. Like how things went the previous time about almost exactly a month ago.

The only difference was that I wasn't as highly paranoid and silently hysterical as before. And probably because of the fact that someone else has recently gotten in the know now; I was basically spared of answering to questions and carrying the burden of being the only one who knew.

On a less private yet more personal note, the extended mess that I've created is definitely causing a lot of headache. I figured, why not. Dropping it all might prove to be a good thing in the long run. Everyone would be spared of whatever kind of miscommunication and heartache.

So now that it had come to this point, it got me thinking all over again. It just makes me feel that maybe I should go solo for a while and not jump into anything. Then maybe when I decide to get back into it, I'll voice it out.

But regardless, I think right now, I need to recompose and sort out some unseen issues that only certain people can understand.

Things have changed now and the difference is that all three of us know about one another's existance. Despite all that, there was peace and I found myself indifferent to the situation. I couldn't garner enough courage to give an ultimum for myself. Because sure enough, I didn't want to lose anything.

Several scenarios were painted and I found myself pondering over the what ifs, could bes and if onlys. I refuse to let anything make me falter in search of my own happpiness. I did tell myself to throw in a little bit of unselfishness when it somes to such.

It's only right that I deserve what's best for me.

Anyway.

Everything flows through channels and emerge out of different ones. Like how everything happens for a reason. Time tells a lot. I shall let that be one of the deciding factors.

On a different note altogether, I miss chilling with my girls.
I'm missing China One too, hell of a lot. :D

I ought to be sniffling in bed trying to get to sleep now but it seems like I suddenly have much to do. And to think about. Well, maybe issues will always be at the back of my head.

Anyhow, I came back from a solely-Bangkok trip few days ago with the beau. It wasn't the most fantastic one but it was alright. Perhaps it was a little bit off timing-wise. The duration wasn't as satisfying either. Budget was ok even though everything was planned to the last minute. But QBar was still the greatest. *grins*

Where our situation is concerned, I think it was pretty neutral. But I still had bugging thoughts as to how everything will work out in the future. Because honestly, I think certain things have changed and that includes us two when together.

It could be me, but I dunno. To say feelings are complicated are just putting it easily. And for all I know, that might not even be the case. So.. Yea. Pretty much. I miss the tightness that was once there. Looks like the ties are getting looser with time.

Some other stuff shan't be disclosed but who knows if they play a part. Do they definitely? I hope for a straight way out of whatever mess I got myself into.

Let's pray for a better me in a better situation.

She never really understood the complications that she had contained in silence. She brushed it all off thinking that maybe one day things might be smothered out. Little did she know that these complications went deeper into a different level altogether.

She fought back hard. She thought sensibly. She felt with her heart. But still she couldn't see the light where the line is drawn, and the choice that she should make. Either way, she knows for sure it will go down the same road. For a fact, the process of losing someone and something, and getting over it, is one painful heartache to go through. It's like her soul being sliced in two.

Now that the other one has left almost too abruptly and not knowing the possiblity of the return, only left her in the wildest of all imaginations. It literally is a matter of life and death. Given the fact that he might not, she's driven into bouts of internal hysteria.

She then realized something; those words that have not yet been said, but are much wanted to be heard face to face, are probably coming true after all. The pre-departure itself was marked as a milestone in their short timeline for now. It's almost a sign on its own telling her that everything means something at least, if not a lot.

But all she can do now is hope that all's well and nothing gets majorly screwed up. Because the last thing she wants, is a tag from his chain being delivered to her as how it will be the same for the cousin. The only difference is that she will know immediately that it's the end. The legend would, by then, have lived up to his name.

I had an intention of making 101010 my date. The day when I tie the knot with the loved one, if that time ever comes. Hopefully. Then again, 20102010 looks nice too, doesn't it?

There I was browsing the current year's calendar before I realized something else too. 20082008. 080808. How coincidental. How very 'appropriate' and 'convenient'. Is there an intended meaning behind that, if not just out of pure coincidence?

Two different dates. That is all it takes.

On top of that, my head just got into a huge mess. All over again.

I'm fucked.

Certain things escalated towards the end of the year. Some of these matters are just meant to be kept under covers. Made my head go in a frenzy and stirred my heart more often than not.. They are just better left unsaid.

Anyway, the year had passed like an hour on the clock. Especially when you have a couple o' drinks during the hour. So much things can happen and time will seem to pass slower than usual. But it moves on like it's supposed to. Time waits for no man.

2007 wasn't much of a ride on different roller coasters. It was more of a ride on the same roller coaster with different turns, loops, highs, lows, and everything else possible at any given time. Sometimes the heart soars, but then it plunges all the way down at times.

All mundane things aside, my second Europe trip happened and it was shared with my love during his birthday period. It was again an experience never to be forgotten.

Good times are meant to stay as memories even if they are over.

Well. As mentioned first thing in this entry, some things that happened got my conscience working overtime. I hope that as time slips into another new year, all bad notions will give way to good ones. Let's clear the records and set them straight.

And to those who matter, I hope 2008 will be a turning point for all good things to come.

This third year of knowing you.. Make it as fruitful and as eventful as how it is supposed to be. Let's not change each other's minds to stick together through thick and thin. Forever and ever, babe.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.


When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.


Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season!


LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.


Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

It has been a month since I last ranted, whined and rambled on to this much trusted space of mine. Maybe too much has happened that it couldn't even take written words to lay out my thoughts and feelings. In any case, 'confusion' is the key word here.

Let's cut the chase and dive straight into what I feel is off. Frankly, I'm unhappy with my own relationship. It takes many factors all put together for this to materialize.

It could have been the arguments. It could have been the total lack of time spent together. Maybe that caused the drift in the first place, and there is also that chance of being neglected. Then again, the space given probably pushed us apart a little too far. For now, it feels like we drifted. And it stayed there.

Other external matters and affairs with friends and what not, they simply add fuel to the fire. It only replaced my familiar comfort with him. If that is a good thing or not, I'm not sure because it doesn't sound very reassuring where our relationship is concerned.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So much for whatever left unsaid.

Just minutes ago halfway through this entry, we had a conversation about those disturbing thoughts and feelings of mine concerning the two of us. I realized one thing; lately, we tend to speak our minds at the same time almost all the time. Psychic, perhaps.

Irritating nagging feelings were voiced out and issues were pretty much ironed out for now. I know he's right, and he knows I'm right. Things get tiring sometimes but shit happens. There's no running away from it. Maybe time will tell.

As for now, I'll just take it in, and let it be.

Very recently, I had two deep meaningful conversations with two separate people who I barely know personally. Maybe other than the fact that I see them once in a while due to the nature of what I do and where I go.

So casually everything spills out, and I had no qualms whatsoever. They were eye-opening and in that hour or so, I learnt more about them. Life took another meaning altogether. Hardship is the keyword here and I realized that mine isn't even half as bad as theirs.

Generally, I figure myself out to forever have a curious mind. It's always nice to have someone who talks and confides in me, and telling me of such private and confidential issues sure gets me going. The wavelength suddenly goes on par with the other.

To me, nothing beats some good intellectual stimulation.

Of course, the normal bantering of random things happens regardless. Acquaintances like these are made once in a while and seldom do I forget such. Companions like these sometimes make you see more to life than just that.

I think, I think my longest-staying favourite song would have to be Lloyd's Want You. Lyrics are pretty typical but the musical arrangement, its beats are not those that I have ever gotten bored of. Not one bit.

Anyhow, yesterday was superb. Shiokness in terms of the movies watched, the shopping in between, the endless snapshots, and the random conversations that took place thereafter. One topic led to another. And mind you, the mixed drinks made us tipsy enough. True enough, a drunken mind speaks a sober heart.

I had another of those opening up sessions. We shared general opinions about the movies 'The Kingdom' and 'My Name Is Justine', two of those worth the watch. We then talked about us; he recollected certain things in the past that made me see him in a clearer picture retrospectively.

The odds were against him, it was always a sad-but-true situation. As usual, it has always been me to pour out all the questions. That only made him talk more and more. I was in awe. It was as if another eye opened up for me to have a deeper understanding of him.

And I suddenly fell for him all over again. In all honesty and yes, my much adored tipsiness when I'm with him, I felt extremely attracted to him during that moment. Horny aside, I basked in that feeling for a good short while in silence while he carried on chatting incessantly.

His frankness blew me away. His ways made me realize countless things that never occured to me before, and some assumptions made earlier were proven otherwise. I swear, I was all ears and some good listening was what I enjoyed last night.

All in all, it was hell of a non-planned day/night filled with spontaneity. I truly enjoyed it and am grateful for such a time well spent. Cheers to us!

It was surprising how things managed to flip back into place and return to its order. Despite me having the thought that it was gonna take time, together with a little bit of that awkwardness, the opposite happened.

It's like, finally. A short conversation. Within a few short minutes. Finally. He understood what exactly I've been trying to achieve all this while. I thought it was gonna be tough for me to go about doing it because there's never an easy way out.

So it really isn't just the two of us. Guys have a way more different thinking than us lasses do. That kinda made me think twice about even wanting to talk to him about the whole idea of honesty, being completely open, bridging a wholesome communication.. yada yada dadida.. At first.

I guess now he probably realized that it will take two concious minds to start cooperating. When conflicts occur, I sure wouldn't wanna be strapped to my own opinions and not having the ease to express them without offending. Or thinking that the person would feel offended.

Dudes sure want things to be said or done directly to the point. Straight up. But sometimes, all it takes is a bit of listening beyond those words to understand what really is going on. No point getting over the issue with a snap of the fingers if either party is gonna feel stuck, rotten, and still unhappy.

To add on to this, I figured I'm just gonna let him do all he wants, and allow myself to be free to do whatever I want to. It will be more than just a mutual arrangement. I mean, if so happens something creeps up on me and puts the relationship in jeopardy, it is me who will deal with it.

Perhaps it is only then will I realize where we stand, and how much this is worth.